Sympathy
by Vitani FyreWolf
Summary: A serious vignette dealing with an evening interaction between Inuyasha and Kagome... their feelings on themselves, each other, their past and their future... and their love. *Reformatted*


A/N: I'm back, and writing. Whee. My junior year is awful…… I want to kill Algebra and Chemistry, and I also want to apologize for not writing for so long. I've just been so tired lately. But today I got the urge to write…. So here I am, back again, with a short piece. The song used is "Sympathy" by the Goo-Goo Dolls. It's a beautiful song and I feel it would be Inuyasha's song if he had one. I am also planning a Inuyasha music video with this song……. Anyone who tells me (and leaves their e-mail, of course) will be notified when it is finished if they want to see it. Anyhow, this is not really a song-fic as I am not basing the fic on the song……. I noticed that stories like that don't even turn out to be stories…… just lyrics with a few lines in between. That's not writing. I want to use the song as a sort of backlight for the thoughts introduced in the vignette. So here it is…… and enjoy…..   
  
Edit note: I am reposting this because fanfiction.net ruined the format I wanted for it. A reviewer notified me of the awkward format it was in, so I'm switching to a different program to see if it keeps the format I wanted. Anway, thanks to those who read this before, and I certaintly hope this works so it will be a more enjoyable read for everyone.  
  
  
Sympathy  
  
By Vitani FyreWolf  
  
  
The evening breeze wove it's way through the proud branches and thick brush of the forest - the forest which was called "Inuyasha's" by the villagers, due to their hanyou who has been sleeping there for a quiet fifty years. He was their hanyou because they were the only people living at that time who seemed to have accepted such a being into their midst. The same people who had been taught to hate him for so many years did not consider his presence there as odd - least of all evil. Life was short, they thought, and if he had not attempted to harm them since his awakening - and in fact, saved them on occasion - then they had no protest against allowing him to walk among them peacefully.   
  
Their world, however, did not share their views. The shard-hunters knew this all too well, experiencing the hate and distrust that emanated from many folk they came across during their quest. Their leader, who was known to the people of the Sengoku Jidai as the Lady Kagome, strove as part of her purpose to not only purify and protect the Shikon but also to be the protector of the hanyou's heart…. and she achieved much of this through her ability to make the people love her, which softened their views on her unusual companion. After all, no Lady as fine as she would have ever held an evil creature so close to her own heart.   
  
As for the hanyou, anyone, whether it be a villager or one of his companions, would be capable of seeing the distinct change in his bearing and manner since he had been released from his seal. The wild, frightening youkai that was could only now be seen in battle…. and most likely only when his Lady was threatened. He was still wild, of course, but not wild in the killer's way, as he had tried to show himself as. Now he was almost as a feral creature gentled by a soft-handed master, still retaining his own distinct aura but calmer, and extremely loyal.   
  
If you asked Inuyasha, he would deny all of it. But that was only his way.  
  
Nothing could change the fact that Inuyasha had suffered through tragedies that no living creature should have to suffer. He was ill treated at the hands of everyone, be it youkai or human, for to them he could only be the other. Humans saw him as a killer; youkai saw him as a weakling. And Inuyasha… Inuyasha saw himself as nobody…. who's only identity could be found by changing into something else. That was what he strived for.   
  
That same hanyou sat on a cold hilltop contemplating the darkening sky. His mind was turned to his own decisions that he found he was quickly changing. Nothing was the same… nothing really made sense any longer. He had grown unaccustomed to kind treatment, and now that he was receiving it he found he balked rather than accept it. Kagome had reached out her hand to him, and he was afraid. He was still afraid. Even after so long being with her, he still could not adapt to the fact that there was someone willing to love him. Last time he had believed that, he had suffered the greatest hurt he had ever known in all of his pain-riddled past.   
  
  
'Stranger than your sympathy,  
And this is my apology….  
I'm killing myself from the inside out,  
And all my fears have pushed you out…'  
  
  
It was strange to him… that she actually seemed to care about his pain. Something inside him wanted so much so open and drown himself in the kindness he was shown… but a still greater voice insisted he wasn't worthy. He was guilty of so much, and until he atoned for what he felt he had done than he could never even die in peace. And yet he wouldn't ever be able to do even that, because it wasn't what she wanted. She wanted him to stay alive, for reasons he couldn't possibly understand. Reasons he wasn't even sure he was ready to understand.  
  
"Inuyasha?" The sweet, familiar voice wafted over to the hanyou as he sat in the gathering darkness, and he felt something settle in him before he turned his eyes to watch her approach.  
  
"Nani?"   
  
"What are you doing?" Her question was unexpected, and he had to stop himself from giving his accustomed harsh answer as she settled next to him. He had to change all his mannerisms around her... he had gained his hard personality in response to the hurtful actions of others, but he did not wish to speak to her in such a way. Of course, just because he didn't wish it didn't mean it never happened. He often found himself saying less than kind words to her, oftentimes sparking her anger or, even worse, her tears. It was his instinct, and it was not easily changed. She had come to understand that, and when he snapped at her it seemed to affect her less and less, and much to his surprise she could drag words out of him he never dreamed he'd be comfortable enough to say.  
  
"Thinking." She nodded, for it was no more than she had expected.  
  
"You're always thinking." It was true. While any of the others in their group would have most likely responded with a joke about being surprised, Kagome was well aware of just how often Inuyasha got lost in his thoughts. She knew best because she was the only one who ever went searching for him during those times. She had even begun to figure out by his bearing what exactly he was thinking about… whether it be the solemn mix of regret and guilt that surrounded his thoughts of Kikyou or the pain in his eyes when he thought about his past. No one else could tell. No one else cared enough about how he felt to tell.   
  
"So?" He replied simply, not willing to offer any clues to his thoughts. Before he had been filled with determination to find the jewel and finally turn youkai so he wouldn't feel pain anymore. So quickly dreams change. With her aid, he was close to finally having the jewel… but what he was going to do with it was something he didn't know or really want to think about at the time. Still, it made it's way into his thoughts, especially when she was concerned.   
  
  
'I wish for things that I don't need,  
All I wanted…  
And what I chase won't set me free,  
It's all I wanted…'  
  
  
The Shikon would not heal his pain. It had the power to change the body, but it couldn't fix a heart. Inuyasha had begun to look somewhere else for the ability to be free, and that ability rested right next to him in the cool grass.   
  
Kagome gave a small sigh of exasperation. "So… what exactly are you thinking about?"  
  
'You.' Inuyasha's mind spoke up, and he quickly tamped it down. After all, it wasn't entirely true… or so he tried to convince himself. "Today. Tomorrow. The past, the future. Everything and nothing."  
  
Kagome smiled slightly. "That's a lot to think about." It wasn't exactly the answer she had been looking for. She wanted to hear him tell her about his problems. She wouldn't be able to fix them, but still he'd be able to know she cared enough to want to help. She didn't really like it when Inuyasha went off to think, because most often those thoughts were self-destructive, beating himself down until he came back with a look in his eyes that showed that he wasn't far from losing all purpose. To keep him from becoming that way, Kagome had been making a habit of coming to sit with him when he went off alone… so she could support him and comfort him enough to make him forget about his guilt… if only for a little while.  
  
"Why does it matter?" Inuyasha was still unaccustomed to her strange interest in his thoughts and feelings. After all, it wasn't as if he mattered. The Shikon mattered, she mattered, but Inuyasha's only purpose was to see the jewel back and Naraku dead. After that, he didn't know what he would do. He wished to be with Kagome, but fate had never seemed very fond of him, so he didn't think that would be very likely. The possibility that his mind shuddered away from was that she might fall in battle against their greatest enemy. As long as she was alive, he could convince himself that he could survive. If she was gone, then he lost his reason for even trying to keep going.  
  
  
'And I get scared, but I'm not crawling on my knees….'  
  
  
"You matter. How you feel matters."  
  
There she went again. Making him feel like he was actually worth something. Over his time with her, he had actually begun to believe it. And with his beginning to believe, he had become softer, kinder, more self-assured. He had always acted as if he was the greatest, cruelest, strongest fighter that lived, with a heart of stone and incapable of caring for anyone's needs except for his own. It was that attitude that kept him alive for so long… it made the humans and youkai of lesser strength frightened enough to keep away from him. He had never considered how much he was hurting himself.  
  
People marveled at how much he had changed… but he hadn't. Kagome knew he hadn't. The sweet gentle boy who came out so rarely was Inuyasha, and everything else, the brashness, the cockiness, the semblance of insensitivity (because Inuyasha was actually very attuned to other people's emotions, especially those of his friends) were a façade, a mask he hid behind. Masks were not real.   
  
  
'Oh yeah, everything's all wrong, yeah….  
Everything's all wrong, yeah…  
Where the hell did I think I was?'  
  
  
Kagome was a bit troubled by his silence. He didn't seem to be particularly yielding to her that night. Sometimes he would open up; sometimes he would curl into himself and allow none in, even her. She hoped tonight wouldn't be one of those times.  
  
"Inuyasha… you're hurting." She could tell he was thinking about his past pains. He thought about them a lot, and she wondered if he was trying to tell himself that he had deserved them or that the world was wrong and he had simply been another unlucky victim of fate.   
  
"What are you talking about? I'm fine." It was sort of true. As long as he convinced himself that he deserved what he had been given, it was easier to take each time he came upon it. Inuyasha was the only one who didn't really seem to realize how much her presence protected him from the majority of outside pains.   
  
  
'Stranger than your sympathy,  
I take these things so I don't feel…  
I'm killing myself from the inside out,   
Now my head's been filled with doubt…'  
  
  
Inuyasha started when Kagome responded to his answer by leaning into him, tucking her head comfortably under his chin, radiating comfort and acceptance. It still baffled him how she knew so intuitively exactly when he needed her reassurance.   
  
For her, it was no hard task. When the gold in his beautiful eyes was masked until it became dull amber, then she knew he was hiding his pain. And she didn't want him to have to hide. Her arms were always open to him, but he didn't know how to accept that. She'd been spending a long time gently coaxing him to open up to her, to allow himself to be comforted and loved. He wanted to be loved, but he only knew the fear of loss, and so those few times he let himself go and for a small moment allow himself to be happy she encouraged him through, and when he got scared and fell down she'd come and help him up on his feet again. Her soul was too tied to his… she couldn't be happy when he wasn't.  
  
He knew she cared about him, maybe even loved him… and he did love her… but no one could ever be allowed to know that. When he allowed himself to open up to love, he was vulnerable. He could be hurt again.   
  
  
'It's hard to lead the life you choose  
All I wanted…  
When all your luck's run out on you,  
All I wanted…  
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true…'  
  
  
But sometimes… the desire was too strong. He wanted to be happy, and he wanted her to be happy… and so he reached out his arm and drew her closer to him. One little time couldn't hurt… and it made him feel so good to have her near…  
  
She sighed in contentment when she felt him pull her closer. She was glad her hanyou wasn't going to be aloof that night. For his sake and hers.  
  
He didn't deserve it. He kept telling himself that, but it was growing harder and harder for him to be convinced. Would she really give so much love to him if he was guilty of so much? He had blood on his hands, death on his hands… and she would hold those hands so tightly in her own, so afraid to let go lest he disappear.  
  
  
'Oh yeah, it's easy to forget, yeah…  
And you choke on the regrets, yeah…  
Who the hell did I think I was?'  
  
  
He was afraid of losing her to battle, but she was afraid of losing himself to his own darkness. That darkness that had accumulated through the years of hate and living alone, unloved, unaccepted. He didn't understand why he was so important to her. He had always thought that he had no place to go, but in the time since the quest had begun he had found himself with two places… her home, where her family where happy to open their doors to him, and Kaede's hut, where the group often stayed.  
  
It was weird. He didn't often sleep in those places simply because it was so weird. He couldn't deny, though, that those few times when he slept in Kagome's room, next to her bed, surrounded by her scent and the simple knowledge that she was near… he slept better than any time he could ever remember. That didn't mean he deserved it, though. That didn't mean it was right. That didn't mean that someday her family would grow sick of him and kick him out, that someday Kagome would wake up and not see the man she loved but a lowlife hanyou.   
  
  
'Stranger than your sympathy,  
All these thoughts you stole from me…  
I'm not sure where I belong,  
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong…'  
  
  
He didn't know that Kagome would rather die than willingly do anything to make him unhappy. He didn't know because she wasn't sure he was ready to hear it.  
  
"You're still hurting." Her soft voice broke the stillness, and he bowed his head over hers. His precious girl.   
  
"I'm still thinking."   
  
"If you're in pain, you don't have to hide it, you know… you don't have to act strong…" Inuyasha frowned. He did have to hide it. Crying was impossible for him. He had cried once because his friends had barely cheated death, but he would never cry for himself. He had taught himself that it would make him weak, that he would hurt more.  
  
"Are you telling me I'm weak?"   
  
"Sharing your pain doesn't mean you are weak, Inuyasha… everyone needs to, sometimes. When I'm really upset, I let someone help me…"  
  
"That's different. You're-"  
  
"Human." She cut him off. "I know. But it doesn't make any difference. Human, hanyou, youkai… feelings are feelings, and they can be hurt."   
  
  
'And I wasn't all the things   
I tried to make believe I was,  
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel  
Before the dreams I wanted,   
And all the talk and all the lies  
Were all the empty things disguised as me…'  
  
  
"No. I'm not weak." He felt the pain well up in him, and he fought it down furiously. If she didn't bring it up, he was okay. It was too hard to keep down his emotions when she kept prodding them to the surface. But he wouldn't let them take him over. That would go against everything he had taught himself to be….  
  
He flinched a little in surprise when Kagome leaned back and gently pressed him down so that his head was resting sideways on her lap, and her soft fingers weaved through his long shimmering tresses, her strokes infinitely comforting. Inuyasha shut his eyes tightly and pulled one of her hands down for him to hold. She felt his pain and bowed her head in grief for his suffering.  
  
After a time, his sensitive ears picked up on the small sniffs and sounds of her tears. His hand tightened on hers and he spoke urgently. "Kagome? Kagome, are you crying?"  
  
"Yes." Came her choked voice.  
  
"What for?" His voice was tight with worry. He detested making her cry, it bothered him like nothing else.  
  
"For you." At that he stilled. Crying… for him? Not because of him?  
  
"Why?"  
  
Kagome was silent for a moment, and then leaned down, reaching her arms around him and resting her head on his.   
  
"Because you can't."  
  
  
'Yeah, stranger than your sympathy…  
Stranger than your sympathy….'  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, I tried. And it's not very good. Damn. But I did write it really fast. Hope you liked it, anyway. 


End file.
